Letters
by crionna gra
Summary: Lorelai committs suicide after Rory drops out of Yale .. i suck at writing summaries .. check it out.


You hold the answers deep within your own mind.  
Consciously, you've forgotten it.  
That's the way the human mind works.  
Whenever something is too unpleasant, to shameful for us  
to entertain, we reject it.  
We erase it from our memories.  
But the imprint is always there

I dropped out of Yale. I couldn't wander through the hallways not knowing what I am going to do with my life. I couldn't do that and I wasn't. But the look on my mothers face when I told her I dropped out made me want to cry. I felt like such a failure and when she told me I couldn't move back home I just wanted to die. But instead she did. She couldn't handle knowing that she gave up everything for me and I just threw it away like yesterdays trash. She didn't complete high school, she didn't go to college, instead she dropped out of high school, moved out of her parents house, was forced to grow up and get a job as a maid and support herself and me. She did it all alone and she never regretted anything, until the day I dropped out. She couldn't handle knowing that I was going to live with my grandparents … so she decided to commit suicide … all because of me.

The pain that grips you  
The fear that binds you  
Releases life in me  
In our mutual  
Shame we hide our eyes  
To blind them from the truth  
That finds a way from who we are  
Please don't be afraid  
When the darkness fades away  
The dawn will break the silence  
Screaming in our hearts  
My love for you still grows  
This I do for you  
Before I try to fight the truth my final time

I was with my grandparents when we got the horrible news. We were eating dinner and my cell phone went off.

"_Rory! What have I told you about leaving your cell phone on during dinner!" _

"_Sorry grandma. Hello?" I said as I answered the phone._

"_Rory" I heard Luke on the other line … but he could barley get my name out._

"_Luke? What's wrong? Is my mom okay?" I asked as I began to panic. The minute I said those four words Emily dropped her spoon and Richard nearly choked on his drink._

"_She's … she's … de-de-dead," he sobbed uncontrollably into the phone._

"_What-what. She can't be. She's…" I began to falter and I could no longer breathe._

"_Rory, she committed suicide this morning." _

"_She did what! Why? How?" All of a sudden all these questions started rushing into my head._

"_She sh-sh-sho-shot-shot herself."  
_

I dropped my phone and ran towards the pool house, but stopped when I heard my grandmothers worried voice.

"Rory …" 

I look over at her and I saw the fear in her eyes and she knew the moment the saw the tears roll down my eyes that she was dead. She began to cry and grandpa looked paler than a ghost. He just stared at me.

"What happened" my grandpa whispered to me as tears rolled down his cheeks. 

"_She committed suicide this morning … she shot herself" _because of me, I thought.

I couldn't breathe and my legs gave away and I collapsed onto the floor crying.

We're supposed to try and be real.  
And I feel alone, and we're not together. And that is real.

_Christopher_ showed up to the funeral. Why wouldn't he? He loved my mom more than anything in the world. He regretted everything he has done over the years, all he ever wanted was to be with her. But he knew he never could because my mom loved Luke, and Luke was all she ever wanted and needed.

_Luke_ … he was a mess. I never thought I would see him like that. He doesn't usually show his emotions, but at the funeral he did. He cried more tears than perhaps anyone there. He lost the love of his life, the only thing worth living for. I couldn't help but wonder if his funeral will be the next.

_Emily_ was beyond tears. She blamed herself for her daughter's death. She never thought she would do it. She always threaten that she would … but she never thought she would. She ruined her daughter's life … she pushed her away … so far away. She would never forgive herself. When she saw Luke crying … she knew that he loved her … that he was a better father to Rory than Christopher ever was … why couldn't she accepted that he was blue-collared. He was better. Way better, maybe, if she would of have accepted him earlier her and Lorelai would have had a better relationship. But she knew Lorelai didn't kill herself because she didn't except Luke, she killed herself because she couldn't handle the fact that her daughter dropped out of Yale and that she took her in so willingly … not caring.

_The rest of Stars Hallow_ just cried … and cried … not being able to believe that the best thing to go through Stars Hallow is no longer there.

Can't wash it all away  
Can't wish it all away  
Can't cry it all away  
Can't scratch it all away

Lorelai Victoria Gilmore 

_April 13, 1969 – May 24, 2005_

_Beloved Mother and Daughter _

_I love you Luke …I'm will wait for you forever_

_Rory, always follow your dreams and never give up … I love you!"_

Lying beside you  
Listening to you breathe  
The life that flows inside of you  
Burns inside of me  
Hold and speak to me  
Of love without a sound  
Tell me you will live through this  
And I will die for you  
Cast me not away  
Say you'll be with me  
For I know I cannot  
Bear it all alone

It was a beautiful day, the day everyone came to say goodbye to her. The viewing was the hardest part. I couldn't go up to see her, lying in her coffin, dead. But I had too. I was so relieved when Luke came up to me and held my hand. We walked up together, preparing for what we were about to see. When we reached her coffin, we saw what looked like Sleeping Beauty. She looked so peaceful, like she was taking a nap. All around her were pictures of her and Luke, me and her, her and grandpa and grandma, her and Christopher, Luke and me, all three of us and a big group picture of Stars Hallow taken the day before. I wrote her a letter and I placed it into her coffin … begging for her forgiveness. I decided to go back to Yale, for her. I said my finally goodbye, with tears rolling down my cheeks and I kissed her goodbye.

_Dear Mom, _

_I'm sorry I disappointed you. I wish you could of have understood what I was going through. Why did you have to kill yourself? You should of have known that we would of have made up and that I would of have gone back to Yale. Yale is my life. I was lost and I needed to you, but you weren't there. I'm sorry for not going to you and that I went to grandma and grandpa instead. I regret it so much. I love you mom. I'm going back to Yale to prove to Mr. Huntzenburger that I can be a journalist and that I will be the best one out there. He is going to regret not giving me that summer intern job and tearing me down. He should of have known to never mess with a Gilmore. _

_I just want you to know that when I get married and have kids I am going to name my first daughter after you. You will never be forgotten. I will think of you everyday and when I write an article that gets on the front page of the top newspaper in America I am going to do it for you. I will dedicate that article and everyone before and after that to you. You are my life. I am so glad that I am your daughter and I have never been prouder of you then I have the last two years. You made your dream come true and fell in love with the best guy in the world. You didn't have to kill yourself … you could of have proposed to Luke (go modern) and have wonderful kids like you and Luke (a little scary, I know) all full of caffeine, but health nuts at the same time. You could of have the whole package … but you gave it up because I fell and couldn't get back up. I will never forgive myself. Please forgive me. I need your forgiveness. I love you so much. I'm so sorry. I'm going to miss you. I will never forget you. _

_I love you,_

_Rory_

_P.S.: Taylor is dedicating a day to you … April 13th. It is called Crazy Lorelai Day. See … we will never forget you. The town loves you so much … please never forget us._

You're not alone, honey.  
Never... Never.

As everyone was saying there final goodbyes Sookie came up to me with tears in her eyes. We hugged for only a minute, but it felt like hours.

"_Rory…this was found next to your mom when she died"_ Sookie handed me a letter. I'm sorry I didn't give it to you sooner.

_Rory,_

_I'm sorry for what I'm about to do, but I cannot watch you throw your life away. I wont. I gave up everything I had for you. I don't want to regret anything I have done, so I'm going. I will watch over you and watch get married, have children and become a journalist. I will be there when you write that article that will get you the front page, I will watch you live the life I wanted you to live. You will prove to that Mr. Hunzentburger guy what a magnificent reporter you are. He will regret everything he has said and done. I love you Rory, never forget that. _

_Please watch over Luke for me. Tell him I love him and that I always have and always will. Let him know that I am waiting up in heaven for him and when he gets here I am going to marry him. We are going to get married in heaven, a girl can dream right? _

_Please put on my grave: "I love you Luke …I'm will wait for you forever" and "Rory, always follow your dreams and never give up … I love you!"_

_Never Forget Me, _

_Lorelai _

Can't fight it all away  
Can't hope it all away  
Can't scream it all away  
It just won't fade away, No

As they lowered her casket into the ground I cried and cried. I will never give up on my dreams and I am going to prove to Mr. Hunzenteburger that I can do this. NO MATTER WHAT! I love my mom and I am doing this for her and me. I will never fall down again.

But the imprint is always there. Nothing is ever really forgotten.  
Because I'll die if you do.


End file.
